I found myself falling at the tender age of 33 yrs old. It came so unexpectedly yet I welcomed it with open arms and heart. However, in that same instant that I made the connection, I also realized that she would break my heart.
Why would I think and say such a thing? Well, I am what I would like to call a realist (with the heart of a Hopeless Romantic). The moment when I realized I was in love with the woman, it was because I cried for the first time with the thought of not having her in my life. That only meant so much to me, because I am known for ‘Shutting Down’ and being ‘Dismissive’. Before this moment, I was pretty much ‘In Control’.
I knew she would break my heart because I never let anyone in … at least in that capacity. I was aware and fearful and then I was resentful.
She took advantage of my emotional vulnerability and sucked me dry; it didn’t happen without a fight, but it happened nonetheless. She betrayed me, lied to me, disrespected me and treated me like, what I call, a second-citizen. The part of me that was in Love broke and the realist side of me left the physical-connection door open; in my mind that would soften the blow, because at least I wasn’t ALL in.
I got my spiritual cleansing at my first Rebuilding Women retreat. It was themed ‘Interior Design of a Woman’. When I tell you Mission was definitely accomplished … I was refreshed and rebooted. At the end of the year, 2015, I left my secured employment of 3 years to pursue my dream of becoming an Income Maintenance Caseworker. Armed with only my Faith I gave them my resignation and I also gave her one as well. I needed to end my year without any emotional baggage.
Presently I am where I want to be career wise and I believe that I may have met my Forever. However, I am apprehensive and scared to death of another heartache. I cannot handle it … yet, I am pushing past the ‘protective’ thoughts and attempting to allow LOVE to work its magic.
Yes, I was in love once and I am open to being in LOVE once again for the last time in my life.